I am a mommy to a beautiful, sweet and joyful little boy, I look at him and see him as the perfect picture, description and example of love.
My love for him is so deep that it has stripped away parts of me that I thought were permanent. Scars and wounds I had in my heart, harbored bitterness and fear. It’s like The Lord knew we needed each other! I needed him to be a carrier of that healing and freedom and he needed me to be his mommy to love him and accept his love.
There are questions I have and still haven’t found my answers. There are times when I am bitter and terrified on his behalf. I want to know why he was born with a genetic disease. I want to know why my body and my genetic genes were capable of giving my child something that would take away qualities of his life and cripple him in ways I never knew possible. My baby, the light of my life and someone who I love so dearly, I can feel it in every part of my being….I was able to pass on something so horrible to someone I would give my life for. I don’t know why and I am not sure I ever will know why. But what I do know is that he was sent to me to create a depth of love I never knew!
He created a depth of love for The Lord in me that I didn’t know I was missing, a love for my family, my husband, souls, the nations and other children and people dealing with sickness and disease. He has opened my heart to a compassion so intense that it takes over my body. Compassion for people so strong that it makes me hit my knees, lose my breath and physically hurt. I can’t escape it and all I can do is cry out to God to bring healing, freedom and peace. He has brought out incredible things in me that make me better. Things that make me see the whole world in a completely different view.
Jude’s testimony and life has brought so much unity and love. It has softened cold hearts, pointed lost soul to Jesus, given hope and restored joy. It has spoken to the nations in ways I never dreamed of. It’s amazing to me that the Lord has received so much glory through someone so young and so small. I have heard people say that suffering can make you a better person. I never really understood that until now. It has been almost a year now that I have seen my sweet Jude suffer through many things. I have seen him in pain so harsh that it takes his breath away. I have held his tiny hand as we walked into operating rooms to hand him over to surgeons, I have held him through countless IV’s and blood tests, I have rushed to his side after spinal taps, I have sat by him in terrifying ambulance rides to the ER, I have held him through seizures, loss of breath and aspiration episodes, I have soothed him through pain from therapy that has left his contracted joints and dislocated legs and arms in so much pain that he can’t even lay flat because it causes him to lose his breath, I have sat by his side while a ventilator breathed for him because his little body was so tired. It has ripped me apart and made me feel pain I have never in my life knew I could feel. But through all the needles, procedures and pain, he never ever loses his joy. After his tears and fear there is always a smile. He has the most gentle, loving and joyful sprit. It is humbling and incredible. It is unreal!
I have spent hours upon hours praying for his healing, his miracle. I have pleaded and got down on my face begging God to heal him. But I don’t think I realized this whole time that he was performing miracle after miracle in Jude’s life and the lives of others through his story. We were told Jude would live a few weeks and he is almost a year, we were told he wouldn’t eat by mouth and little by little he is, we were told he wouldn’t move his arms or legs and he moves them more every single day, we were told he would never sit up and last week he started showing head control! We were told he wouldn’t do many other things, the list goes on. And one by one he is proving them otherwise. We have been told by people that his story has stopped abortions, restored faith, saved souls and the list also goes on here. The Lord IS working miracles in Jude’s life. Because of him, I am celebrating my baby beating the odds and living.
I don’t know all of the plans The lord has for my son and my family. I do not have a perfect picture of exactly what the future holds for us. But because he has showed himself faithful time and time again. Because he HAS brought healing, strength, peace and hope I am choosing to fully trust him. He has been my crutch when I feel like I cannot take another step, he has held my heart when I feel like it is going to beat out of my chest and shatter, he has placed his ever so loving arms around me and my family when we are weary and he shown us his undying love for us through it all. This path that we are waking is not easy. It’s scary and dark at times. But he always shines his light for us and his presence continues to hover near. He is our our guide and support.
So from here on out…..
Heavenly Father, I cannot walk this path alone. We need your presence, your strength, healing, love and joy. We need all of you. I do not know the plans you have for my family but I trust they are plans to give us a future and a hope. I do not only trust and love you for the things you have done but for who you are and the things I know you will continue to do. Only you can see the deepest parts of my heart and only you can heal the broken parts of me. I am fully placing my life, my sons life and my family in your hands. Thank you for being our constant source of comfort. Let the nations continue to hear your voice through this story. Let our life bring glory to you, forever and always.
My hope is built on nothing less Than Jesus Christ, my righteousness; I dare not trust the sweetest frame, But wholly lean on Jesus’ name. On Christ, the solid Rock, I stand; All other ground is sinking sand, All other ground is sinking sand. When darkness veils His lovely face, I rest on His unchanging grace; In every high and stormy gale, My anchor holds within the veil. His oath, His covenant, His blood, Support me in the whelming flood; When all around my soul gives way, He then is all my hope and stay. When He shall come with trumpet sound, Oh, may I then in Him be found; In Him, my righteousness, alone, Faultless to stand before the throne.