My heart yearns to feel my sweet Jude’s arms wrap around my neck, I want him to put his precious hands on my face, I want him to hold my hand and I want him to reach for me.
It has been a heartbreaking and challengingly hurtful thing for me to process that my baby can’t show me affection in this way.
I daily rock him in my glider and as I pray over him. One thing I repeat over and over is “Jesus, please let him reach for me” Then I tell him over and over “Jude reach for me, baby” I dream of the day that he will do this. I dream of his hugs, I dream of his reach and I dream of his ability to do things he should be able to do, things he deserves to do.
I attended a conference recently and there were amazing men of God who have seen miraculous healing miracles take place. I was so hopeful on the days and then the hours leading up to this conference. I just had the faith and I knew that Jude would be healed. I showed up with so much faith and joy in my heart. As I was getting ready that day I just kept thinking “it’s going to happen, Jude will reach for me tonight”
Jude received many prayers, I prayed and I believed. I set my eyes upon my perfect baby in my arms and as they prayed I repeated “reach for me, Jude” and it didn’t happen. Jude did not reach for me that night. I saw other healing take place that night for others and I left there confused and hurt. I didn’t understand why my baby didn’t receive the healing I so greatly believed for. Did I not pray hard enough? Was my faith strong enough?
Several nights later I had a dream.
We were at a retreat in the mountains “Immersion” which is actually something we attend every year. In my dream Jude was a toddler, I would say he was about two years of age. He had thick curly brown hair and he was running around the room like crazy. I kept saying to him “Jude, it’s time to nap. Come lay down with mommy” in my dream I saw us fall asleep together. When I woke up, Jude was no longer in my arms. I went into an instant panic. Right away I felt complete terror and I just thought the absolute worst. I thought he was gone and nothing would bring him back. I thought I lost him. I started running around the campus screaming and crying. I was asking everyone if they had seen him. Then I just started crying out “he’s gone” when I walked into the kitchen my mom was holding Jude and rocking him back in forth. She looked up at me with the most peaceful look and said “Hannah, Jude is ok and he’s going to be ok” I felt instant relief and I woke up knowing that my sweet boy would be ok.
I had a second dream.
In this dream, good friends of ours had been greatly blessed with a beautiful home. I was over there helping them and I was cleaning the windows. In that dream Jude was sitting beside me in his car seat and when I looked down at him, he was reaching for me. I instantly started sobbing tears of absolute joy. It was amazing to see him reach for me.
I know something like this can seem so small to wish for. But for me, it’s a yearning desire in my heart. I don’t know when it will be, but I am believing that one day I will see him reach, I will feel his hugs, he will hold my hand and I will see him do all the things I pray for.
I can’t wait until the day I will see him reach for me.