Reach for me

My heart yearns to feel my sweet Jude’s arms wrap around my neck, I want him to put his precious hands on my face, I want him to hold my hand and I want him to reach for me.

It has been a heartbreaking and challengingly hurtful thing for me to process that my baby can’t show me affection in this way.

I daily rock him in my glider and as I pray over him. One thing I repeat over and over is “Jesus, please let him reach for me” Then I tell him over and over “Jude reach for me, baby” I dream of the day that he will do this. I dream of his hugs, I dream of his reach and I dream of his ability to do things he should be able to do, things he deserves to do.

I attended a conference recently and there were amazing men of God who have seen miraculous healing miracles take place. I was so hopeful on the days and then the hours leading up to this conference. I just had the faith and I knew that Jude would be healed. I showed up with so much faith and joy in my heart. As I was getting ready that day I just kept thinking “it’s going to happen, Jude will reach for me tonight”

Jude received many prayers, I prayed and I believed. I set my eyes upon my perfect baby in my arms and as they prayed I repeated “reach for me, Jude” and it didn’t happen. Jude did not reach for me that night. I saw other healing take place that night for others and I left there confused and hurt. I didn’t understand why my baby didn’t receive the healing I so greatly believed for. Did I not pray hard enough? Was my faith strong enough?

Several nights later I had a dream.

We were at a retreat in the mountains “Immersion” which is actually something we attend every year. In my dream Jude was a toddler, I would say he was about two years of age. He had thick curly brown hair and he was running around the room like crazy. I kept saying to him “Jude, it’s time to nap. Come lay down with mommy” in my dream I saw us fall asleep together. When I woke up, Jude was no longer in my arms. I went into an instant panic. Right away I felt complete terror and I just thought the absolute worst. I thought he was gone and nothing would bring him back. I thought I lost him. I started running around the campus screaming and crying. I was asking everyone if they had seen him. Then I just started crying out “he’s gone” when I walked into the kitchen my mom was holding Jude and rocking him back in forth. She looked up at me with the most peaceful look and said “Hannah, Jude is ok and he’s going to be ok” I felt instant relief and I woke up knowing that my sweet boy would be ok.

I had a second dream.

In this dream, good friends of ours had been greatly blessed with a beautiful home. I was over there helping them and I was cleaning the windows. In that dream Jude was sitting beside me in his car seat and when I looked down at him, he was reaching for me. I instantly started sobbing tears of absolute joy. It was amazing to see him reach for me.

I know something like this can seem so small to wish for. But for me, it’s a yearning desire in my heart. I don’t know when it will be, but I am believing that one day I will see him reach, I will feel his hugs, he will hold my hand and I will see him do all the things I pray for.

I can’t wait until the day I will see him reach for me.

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15 thoughts on “Reach for me

  1. Hannah, I have often thought of that day myself, and I believe with you it shall come to pass. I look at his arms and legs and see him moving them normally. Do not grow weary in well-doing, you shall reap the rewards of your prayers and faith if you faint not. I attend the church in Newfoundland where we are blessed with your Dad’s ministry at our conferences. Our church family is believing for a great miracle in Jude’s life.
    God Bless,
    Marlene

  2. Hannah I have felt those same desires and fears. Our son Jackson has achondroplasia and is our miracle. From my firat ultrasound drs wanted us to abort and try again. I told them Jackson was and is fearfully and wonderfully made. In his own time he has learned to do everything I ever hoped and prayed he would. 13 years later he is a boy that can do anything and most of all loves Jesus with his whole heart. Oir family prays over Jude daily. We love seeing his sweet little face pop up on Facebook. Your boy is a warrior and will do all the things you hope. Soon he will be reaching for you and saying mommy nonstop. Thank you for sharing your story and your precious boy with us all.

  3. Oh how he wants to reach out to you Hannah! I along with my family, are praying for him and all of your beloved family daily. Until the day you can feel sweet baby Jude’s arms hold you, be content in the fact the Lord holds you in his! Especially when disappointments come your way.

  4. Hannah, you are so sweet to share your heart with us. This gives me another specific prayer point for Jude. You are so precious to all of us. God says He will give us the desires of our heart. Love you and your beautiful family❤️

  5. Joining you in prayer that someday you will feel Jude’s arms wrap around your neck, and his hands atop your cheeks. This just touched my heart so much, the things so many take for granted mean so very much to another. ❤

  6. I follow your sweet boy and he is amazing. I feel your pain. My little one doesnt reach for me or communicate. She is 14 months and was born with Sturge Weber Syndrome. I just like you long for the day she will reach for me and give me a hug. I long for the day to see her stronger and walk. Small things for some. Big things for ppl of kids with speacial needs.

  7. “Small to wish for”? Hannah, there is nothing small about these desires in your heart! The desire of a godly mother is to see their child come into the fullness God has for them, and for you and Jude, that includes him reaching for you, holding your hand. There is NOTHING small about this. It is in fact huge. Huge in your heart, huge in God’s heart. Keep praying, believing. God is faithful!

  8. I remember when my son Kaiden had to have open heart surgery at six months old. I was so scared. We prepared for him not being able to be picked up and rocked by me sitting by his bedside daily and holding his little hand and talking him to sleep. I felt that the transition would not be so hard for him to go from being held all the time to not at all for almost six weeks. I cannot tell you how much that contact means to a baby. Heart to heart and cheek to cheek. Your baby Jude may not be able to reach for you but I have never seen a more amazing smile than the one he gives you all the time. It travels across him and transforms him and lights up his eyes. There are so many ways to love in this world and your little Jude has already found a way to tell you that you are the most amazing mom and dad in the world. You keep praying and loving him and let God do the rest. A time for every purpose under Heaven.

  9. You are such an example of grace, strength, & faith. Sweet Jude is in such able and loving hands with you and Sully. I pray regularly for you all….believing with you for many miracles to come.

  10. Your post was very heart wrenching in what you are hoping for. How we take for granted the simplest of human actions, a simple reach. You are in my prayers and look forward to the day when you say that Jude reached for you.

  11. Hannah-

    Thank you… For being so brave. Thanks you for being transparent even in yiur most vulnerable times. I would like to share my friends story. She adopted a toddler from China. She has albinism and due to the lack of care she received; many developmental challenges. When she brought her home. I held her as she cried. My friend said to me , she may never speak. I just want her to call me mama. We prayed and prayed. Every time I held her I would sing to her how much her mama loved her. By god alone that child spoke. Not in our time, but the perfect time for her. Four years later and you can’t get her to stop! 🙂
    It will happen for Jude. I believe that God is going to show up like never before and we will all bear witness to Jude’s healing. We love you guys like you are family (even though we are strangers) just through prayer. We are and will continue to pray. You are spun an amazing job!

  12. Hannah, just as your heart puts words onto page, Jude’s heart reaches for you and his love is inscribed. He daily reaches out to you and you lovingly reply with a sustaining faith that carries you ever closer to the miracles of life. Your story touches many hearts that also are praying and believing for your anticipated wholeness for Jude. ~Love and prayers, Pamala

    SHALOM: nothing missing, nothing broken, nothing out of place.

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