Feeling Reminiscent

It was a year ago yesterday that we shared this video to finally reveal the exciting news that we were expecting our greatest treasure, Jude. From the beginning this journey started out a bit scarier than I expected. We have been on an emotional roller coaster since the very first ultrasound we had with Jude and found out he wasn’t growing properly. Pregnancy for me was one of the most incredible experiences but it was also one of the most scary.

I remember when I first started feeling Jude move. It was the most amazing feeling! I also remember being in fear because I was scared that once the nine months ended, I wouldn’t be able to feel Jude move and feel his life anymore. I was scared I wouldn’t get to keep him.

This journey with Jude has been terrifying! It has tested me in many ways. At times I have felt emotionally, physically and spiritually drained. Its not always easy to stay brave. Its not always easy to stay strong for him.

But somehow, he stays strong for the both of us.
Through the fear and through the pain, he remains calm and never loses his pure joy.

I am so very grateful that The Lord has given me this beautiful treasure to take care of. Although its scary and very hard to go through all these storms with him, it has been far worth it. I will continue to fight with him and hold his hand through it all.

Tomorrow Jude has his 4th surgery. Yes, I am nervous and I wish so badly I could go in his place. But he is so strong and brave and I know he will be just fine.

I love you my sweet warrior boy! Forever and always.


4 thoughts on “Feeling Reminiscent

  1. I found your page on Facebook. A friend of mine had liked it. Please know that this mama outside of Winston Salem is praying without waiver for you and your beautiful boy! amanda @ abrownieworld.blogspot.com

  2. It is so difficult to see those whom we love have to go through so much just to live. I am so thankful to God for providing children with such a joyous spirit, one of faith and peace even though they may not be well. Praying and praying for Jude and this next surgery. Praying also for you, that you will feel the peace and love of Jesus surrounding you as you stand by your sons side.

  3. As long as Jesus gives me breath I will respond to your thoughts, your very real, intense emotional, physical and spiritual roller-coaster as you journey with your precious Baby Jude. I pray that I’ll never give you platitudes. I hope instead to carefully listen to you, to accept your journey as you experience it, instead of how some may expect your experience to be as a child of God facing such incredibly difficult days–that if you just had enough faith, everything would be all right.
    Unlike Jesus in Gethsemane, whose disciples, those closest to him, when asked by Jesus to pray for him as he struggled mightily, instead fell asleep–this same Jesus has provided you with hundreds, even thousands of people praying with you, on your behalf and on behalf of Baby Jude. Round the clock.
    And I say this not to make you feel that therefore your journey should accordingly be light and easy. Since the disciples slept, God sent comforting angels. To strengthen Jesus so that he could hang in there while facing some of the most extreme challenges.
    So be honest with yourself and those around you when it is scary, even if that is most of the time. You have a whole stadium full of fellow warriors, fellow students learning themselves how to trust Jesus. I hope you hear the roar of us all in this imaginary stadium, the roar of voices literally the world over. What’s the sound? Of thousands praying, warriors all (even when they feel weak, he is strong).
    And their roar is the sound of all their prayers, and claiming the promises in God’s Word, and telling others about you and Jude. The roar are the emotions they experience with and for you and Jude–their own cries which mingle with their own unique and challenging journeys.
    And yet, even though surrounded by all these witnesses, there will be times when you might feel all alone. That’s OK. You already know that Jesus will never leave your side; your Sully is always by your side, physically or in his heart when he works, sleeps, whatever. Your mom and dad and sisters; your extended family–in person or in their hearts, like all of us, are always by your side.
    Yet as I said, sometimes you won’t feel anyone, won’t hear the roar of the witnesses in that stadium. You’ll feel so alone, just you and Jude. But your feelings won’t change the reality of Jesus always at your side, nor Sully, mom and dad and sisters, extended family, and us the stadium. And eventually you’ll feel Jesus again, and all the rest.

    I’m going through a difficult period in my journey with Jesus, whom I’ve had the privilege of knowing him as my Savior and my Lord almost 44 years, since the middle of my sophomore year in college. This past July it has been 20 years since the shadow of chronic pain has come to permeate all I do, when I might be able to do it or not, whether I’ll be able to. Believe me when I say it has permeated all. Even though by the grace of God I carry on. But I’m having difficulty hanging in there. I’ve told you before that reading about your faith during your miraculous pregnancy, delivery, and now almost 5 months that Jude is alive, still beating the odds, right? Well, your faith and your Baby Jude’s “perfectly fashioned” might warrior, have renewed my faith, re-energized this battle-weary soldier of the cross.
    But it has been a real challenge. And an old hymn came back to my mind, and it’s getting lodged back in my heart. It has become a soothing song. I suspect you know it. I offer it from my heart back to yours, considering how much you and Jude have already given so much more from your hearts to me.

    “Be Still, My Soul”

    1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
    Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
    Leave to thy God to order and provide;
    In every change He faithful will remain.
    Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
    Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

    2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
    To guide the future as He has the past.
    Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
    All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
    Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
    His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

    3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
    And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
    Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
    Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
    Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
    From His own fulness all He takes away.

    4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
    When we shall be forever with the Lord,
    When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
    Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
    Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
    All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

    “Be Still, My Soul”
    by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
    Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

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